Honesty/ EMOTION: angry

I guess that one part of the big D that has not been so easy for me is just being honest with myself.  I keep busy, constantly! I work full-time and have a part-time gig; I am the mother and father of my son, and I am the man and woman of the house! There is NOTHING that I don't at least attempt to tackle by myself.  I do all of the "normal" wife/mother jobs, like cooking, cleaning, laundry, budgeting, bill paying, grocery shopping (and couponing), all family and household shopping, etc. I also do all of the normal husband/father jobs, i.e. yard work (with a lot of help from my BFF), trash take-out, fixing things, putting things together (this includes absolutely demolishing things that confuse or aggravate me), car maintenance, garage stuff...what am I forgetting?
You get my point, I'll shut up about that now...

What I'm getting at is this, I don't have time to let myself really experience and feel all of the emotions that come with the big D.  Over the last ten months, I can recall crying over the situation only twice.  Both times, my son was staying the night with his Nana.  I have to be the strong one; I have to put on a happy face and go out in the world every day as if my life is lolipops and rainbows....

Folks, I'm here to tell ya, LIFE AIN'T LOLIPOPS AND RAINBOWS!!!  Divorce is HARD, very hard.  There are feelings of failure, regret, anxiety, worry, sadness...the list goes on.  I think I have experienced them all, but I didn't allow myself to actually grieve. 

Life goes on, and what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger... Right? Aren't those the words of wisdom that our generation have been raised on?  Suck it up, be strong, keep your chin up, dry your tears, you'll be fine, you aren't alone. 
I've heard them all... but the bottom line is this: I DO FEEL ALONE, AND WHAT IF I DON'T WANT MY CHIN UP?  WHAT IF I WANT TO HAVE MOMENTS OF WEAKNESS? WHAT IF I WANT TO CRY?!?!?!  Sometimes, it's hard to think that I'll be just fine....

I am angry...

I'm angry that the person I trusted my life, my future with, decided on a whim that it was OK to have an affair...or two...or three...
I'm mad that while he was on tour in Iraq for YEARS, I was here making a home for him to come back to and raising our son...ALONE!
I'm mad that I took my vows seriously, and he didn't. 
I do believe, though, that I am most mad about this:
I wanted a FAMILY.  I wanted lots of kids.  I wanted to raise our kids in a stable home with strong values and beliefs.  I wanted to be the mom who made the big dinners everynight; I wanted our family to sit around the dinner table and talk about our day.  I wanted what we all want, I assume. 
In a nutshell, I guess the best way to sum it all up is that I feel like I was robbed by the man I shared my bed with.  He robbed me of my dreams; he robbed me of my future; he robbed me of my goals...but even worse, he STOLE that from my son.  R deserves so much more!