Honesty/ EMOTION: angry

I guess that one part of the big D that has not been so easy for me is just being honest with myself.  I keep busy, constantly! I work full-time and have a part-time gig; I am the mother and father of my son, and I am the man and woman of the house! There is NOTHING that I don't at least attempt to tackle by myself.  I do all of the "normal" wife/mother jobs, like cooking, cleaning, laundry, budgeting, bill paying, grocery shopping (and couponing), all family and household shopping, etc. I also do all of the normal husband/father jobs, i.e. yard work (with a lot of help from my BFF), trash take-out, fixing things, putting things together (this includes absolutely demolishing things that confuse or aggravate me), car maintenance, garage stuff...what am I forgetting?
You get my point, I'll shut up about that now...

What I'm getting at is this, I don't have time to let myself really experience and feel all of the emotions that come with the big D.  Over the last ten months, I can recall crying over the situation only twice.  Both times, my son was staying the night with his Nana.  I have to be the strong one; I have to put on a happy face and go out in the world every day as if my life is lolipops and rainbows....

Folks, I'm here to tell ya, LIFE AIN'T LOLIPOPS AND RAINBOWS!!!  Divorce is HARD, very hard.  There are feelings of failure, regret, anxiety, worry, sadness...the list goes on.  I think I have experienced them all, but I didn't allow myself to actually grieve. 

Life goes on, and what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger... Right? Aren't those the words of wisdom that our generation have been raised on?  Suck it up, be strong, keep your chin up, dry your tears, you'll be fine, you aren't alone. 
I've heard them all... but the bottom line is this: I DO FEEL ALONE, AND WHAT IF I DON'T WANT MY CHIN UP?  WHAT IF I WANT TO HAVE MOMENTS OF WEAKNESS? WHAT IF I WANT TO CRY?!?!?!  Sometimes, it's hard to think that I'll be just fine....

I am angry...

I'm angry that the person I trusted my life, my future with, decided on a whim that it was OK to have an affair...or two...or three...
I'm mad that while he was on tour in Iraq for YEARS, I was here making a home for him to come back to and raising our son...ALONE!
I'm mad that I took my vows seriously, and he didn't. 
I do believe, though, that I am most mad about this:
I wanted a FAMILY.  I wanted lots of kids.  I wanted to raise our kids in a stable home with strong values and beliefs.  I wanted to be the mom who made the big dinners everynight; I wanted our family to sit around the dinner table and talk about our day.  I wanted what we all want, I assume. 
In a nutshell, I guess the best way to sum it all up is that I feel like I was robbed by the man I shared my bed with.  He robbed me of my dreams; he robbed me of my future; he robbed me of my goals...but even worse, he STOLE that from my son.  R deserves so much more!

Welcome to my NEW blog!!!

So, what's a newly single woman and mommy to the most adorable three-year-old little boy in the whole wide world to do???  WRITE ABOUT IT, OF COURSE!!!  Writing has long been a secret passion of mine.  Now, in this new, starting over at 31, phase of my life, I have a feeling that I will be discovering more of my passions. 

Luckily, for the last two years of my failing marriage, I learned to budget and conquered couponing (almost, maybe, sorta)...I try...and as a result, I've saved a few bucks. 

My income changed drastically overnight.  I have a degree and a passion for what I do, but unfortunately the jobs in my field are pretty scarce right now (I think that is in most fields, and in most areas...sadly).  So, I took a job that I thought would at least get me by for the time being.  God blessed me with an opportunity to teach at my son's school, and after being a WAHM for the first three years of his precious life, well... it's pretty close to perfect. 

Along the way, I've also come to realize that I need to be more thrifty.  I have the desire, but do I have the skills??? HECK NO!!! I once tried to put together one of those cheap-o, made-from-paper shelves from Walmart, and ended up beating it with a hammer because I got so frustrated! LOL (and when I say "I once"...well, that means like, ohhh, less than a year, no joke!)
So where am I going with this, right? Let me explain...

The house my son and I live in was once my family's "temporary home".  My soon-to-be ex-husband is in the military, and we have bounced from place to place for the last five years.  When he got sent to Iraq for his second tour of duty in 2008, we decided to buy a house back home.  The plan was to buy a house that didn't need much work and rent it when X got stationed back in The States. 

Sooo...here we are, making this "temporary home" into our HOME OF HEARTS!  This house was just a bunch of empty walls when R and I returned home from Virginia. When we walked in the back door, I had a thought...
My son deserves better than this...my son deserves for this house, for any house, to be his HOME!

So it began!  I started shopping for bargains, for deals, for steals, for freebies! I first hit garage sales, and I admit, I found some real cuties! I was so happy to bring my recycled little beauts into our "HOME" and find something useful to do with them.  Every time I was able to go to a store, no matter what store, I searched for some inexpensive, damaged, clearance items. SCORE!!! I sure did find some amazing things!!!

My newest venture is to start revamping old "junk". People get rid of "trash" that could be turned into "treasures". Well, it's a win-win! They get rid of their trash, and I make it into a treasure... and guess what?  Each piece brings just a little more of "heart" into our "home"! 

As I've said, this is new... So, I'll update along the way and share lots of pictures.